So here it is - my story. I want to tell it so that you have a better understanding of who I am and why I am. It is scary for me to share it all and be vulnerable, but I am going to do it with the hopes that it in some way may help you.
I was a premature baby born to a woman who didn't want me. In fact, she was so distraught about having me that for her entire pregnancy she never went to a Dr. and hid her pregnancy from her entire family. According to the social workers, she gave birth to me at home and tied a rubber band around my umbilical cord. She kept me at home with her and her 15 month old daughter for 4 days and finally went to a local hospital, told them there that she didn't want me, and left me there. Done.
Because I was very small and premature, I remained in the hospital for 3 weeks. I try very hard not to think about that tiny little baby who didn't have anyone holding her and telling her how much they loved her.....so incredibly sad and detrimental to a newborn. From there I went to a foster home for a few months until God blessed me with two incredible parents who desperately wanted me. Again, I try not to think of the story my mom has shared about how filthy I was when they took me home. Between the rolls of my baby fat, the skin was red and raw from not being washed properly. God blessed me and took care of me to get me out of there.
My life certainly changed on that day and I grew up with my older brother in a caring home with two parents who loved me dearly. I had a wonderful childhood filled with lots of cousins and extended family who loved me very much. I always knew I was adopted because my parents always shared with my brother and me how we were such a gift to them. That's how special they are. Can you tell I love them very much??
As I grew up I became a very focused and driven young girl. I had to be number one. I worked hard to be great at everything I did and was always a top student. I was athletic and smart and very competitive. I wanted my parents to be proud of me, and that they were. When I was in the 7th grade I began competing in speech and debate competitions around the country and won many of them. I was fierce. I chose the college I attended because it had a 6 year management - law program, which meant I could be accelerated and get my law degree faster. Yup, that was me!
Imagine the brakes coming to a screeching halt. Got to college and realized that being number one was going to be a lot tougher in college. Frankly, I didn't know how to cope with that because failure was never an option for me, my pride would never allow it. So, I hid. One look at my grades that first semester and you would be shocked. What kept me going and not falling off the deep end was meeting my future husband. Obviously God had plans for me that I wasn't aware of, because he brought Jon into my world and I fell in love with this great looking senior jock who was everything I was not at the time; loud, outgoing, confident and fearless.
I staggered through the first 2 years of college and then all at once the walls came crashing down around me - I got pregnant. The summer between my sophomore and junior year I had to grow up very fast. I was devastated at first and horrified at the thought that I would have to tell my parents. They would no longer be proud of me. I felt like such a huge failure and the thought did not escape me that I was following in the footsteps of my birthmother. Of course, my parents continued to love and support me. I left school and Jon and I got married that fall. Luckily, Jon is 4 years older than me and had a great job that enabled us to buy a house and have our son 6 months later. I was 20 years old, married with a newborn. I am not going to lie, I was embarrassed and ashamed when people would say comments to me about being so young with a baby. I would avoid all questions about my age.
The experience I believe continued to fuel something inside me to prove something. I went back to school and had a 4.0 and wouldn't settle for less. I barely ever left my baby - ever, unless he was with Jon. I was very attached to him and having our son was a pivotal moment for me. Prior to being a mom I had no interest in finding my birthmother, but when I held my newborn for the first time I couldn't imagine giving him up. I had to find out my story. It was then that I began my search and went to the state to get whatever records they had. It was in their file that I learned about my circumstances. I was able to locate my birthmother and my story isn't one of those Oprah moments where everyone gets reunited and cries and hugs and loves each other - nope mine was much different. I was met with bitterness, shock, dismay, and hatred. HOW could I have found her, she wanted to know. I tried - I wasn't looking for a mother, I have a great one, I was just looking for some resolution - but that was not to be. I thought I was ok with it.
So life goes on, and Jon and I are excited to have our second baby, our beautiful oldest daughter. I continue with school until we are faced with a career decision with Jon that moves us north and takes me back out of college. We move to a small town and into a beautiful little house that at the time was a dream come true for us. We couldn't believe that we could afford all that we had. Enter our third child and my introduction into direct sales.
Actually, I had been introduced to direct sales when I was 20 and dabbled in it but had no idea the potential it had for me. When I began my business, I was incredibly focused. HAD to be number one. Had to help everyone on my team be number one to prove to myself and everyone else that I was a success. With the success came nice cars, a beautiful house, a great career - but I was still a failure.
Yes, there you have it. I spent many years on this journey trying to prove that I was worthy. I did this by having to get perfect grades, a perfect house, perfect kids, perfect husband, and of course an amazing business. Who was I trying to prove it to? Well you know who.....the one person who abandoned me, the one person who should have loved me above all else- that's who. It didn't matter how much my husband said he loved me, my parents said they loved me, my kids said they loved me. It didn't matter. There was a wound within me that had a scab over it that would never heal from the inside out. The scab had to come off in order for it to heal, and believe me when that scab came off it was extremely painful. When I think back to that time in my life all I did was cry. I would cry over every little thing and for no reason. I hid this pain from everyone except my closest friends and Jon. Thank goodness they stuck it out with me and the wound healed the healthy way, from the inside.
I began to crawl out of the despair and see that God loved me and had a plan for me. I was able to understand why I have a hard time being loved. Why I pushed my kids away to protect myself from the subconscious fear that they would not love me. Why I have to make things perfect. Understanding these things doesn't necessarily fix everything, but it helps me understand that not everything has to be perfect. Not everyone has to like me. I am able to recognize that I am who I am and that I am not perfect - but I am worthy. I am amazing. I am a gift from God. I am worthy of being loved. I don't need validation from anyone. I absolutely refuse to bear the burdens for my birthmother. I no longer claim her issues as my own and I have moved on. I am good at what I do because God has gifted me with skills to help people find their greatness, just as I have. I have a confidence in myself and in what I do that originates in my soul because I am a survivor. I know that whatever happens I will be just fine because I can get through it. In my line of work I help people get over the fear of rejection to be successful in business and I always chuckle to myself because I have conquered the biggest rejection anyone can ever have - so what do I care if someone says no to my business opportunity or product?
I have said this before, my life is a tapestry. When you look at it you see many different patterns that make up the complexity of who I am and the battles I have fought along with the amazing successes I have had. I think it is a gorgeous tapestry, even with the tears and pulls that it has. It is my story, it is who I am and I wouldn't trade it for the most beautiful silks. I choose happiness as my way of life and so can you. No matter what your tapestry looks like, embrace it and let it empower you. If you have a wound inside you that needs to heal, rip the scab off and allow it to heal the right way. I will be right here for you, with a hug and a hand up.
Someone said to me recently, "you are so lucky, you live a perfect life". I had to laugh, are you kidding me? My life is far from perfect, but I accept who I am, love who I am, and now it is my goal to help others feel the same way about themselves.
Lesson learned: Hello world, here I am. Take it or leave it, but I am here to stay and I choose happiness.
Be Great,
LeeAnne
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